I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
