shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
