Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
