so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
