Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
