we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
