No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
