Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
