My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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