I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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