some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize