I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
