I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
