Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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