is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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