I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
