Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
