just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
