mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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