i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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