My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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