guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize