I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
