I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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