u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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