did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm jealous of your bromance
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
