Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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