I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
