I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
