You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
