I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
