He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
