he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Randomize
