just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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