Duck Duck Cougar?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
