I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
