No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
