You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize