omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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