So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
