there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
