Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
