god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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