that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
