Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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