dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
