Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mom said you looked used
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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