youre lurking in front of me
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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