Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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