I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
