Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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