my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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