I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
