I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
