$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
