He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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