Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
