Just cropdusted the office
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
