Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
