dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
