A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
