Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
