I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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