I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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