I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
