youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
