I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
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